The governor of illinois is obviously busy. First, there's the undoubtedly huge amount of time spent on a daily basis on his hair. Plus the tireless dedication to his duties in office displayed most recently by bravely appointing a new senator, even after essentially being triple dog dared by Senator Reid not to do so.
Like I said, he's a busy man. This brings me to my point. His busy schedule is surely why he hasn't yet resigned. He has too much on his plate already. Of course the man has no time to draft a letter of resignation. This is how I intend to help.
Rod, this is for you. I will fill in all of the pertinent information. All you have to do is go on youtube and read it. It will be concise and to the point. And, let me say now, no thank you is necessary. The knowlege that you won't be troubled with having to make any further decisions is thanks enough.
Dear Citizens of Illinois,
I, Rod Blagojevich, effective immediately, am resigning as the governor of the great state of Illinois. I'm sorry it has taken me as long as it has to get this announcement to you, but important decisions regarding my hair care products, political "fundraising", and just dickish behavior in general have been keeping me pretty busy. I've intended to sit down and write this for quite a while and have known it is the responsible and respectful thing to do, but, really, I'm not known for my tact or sense of fairness. I was actually hoping someone would offer me money to resign, but since that hasn't happened yet, I'm guessing that's off the table by now.
Let me remind you if you accept this, my resignation, of what you will be losing. I have very pretty hair. You will most likely never be able to find a replacement for me with such perfect hair. I am so arrogant that it is impossible for me to think anyone will ever be able to prove I have done anything wrong. You will most likely never be able to match my arrogance. I have enormous balls. Balls as big as mine are few and far between. I dare people to tape me and then I say things on those very tapes that are foul enough to make the general public demand my resignation, possibly not quite illegal enough to land me in jail, but most likely crass enough to get me a great book deal. I respond to the Senate's declaration that they will not seat anyone I appoint by sending them someone they must appoint. I am that good at doing the bad things I've been doing. I give a new definition to the word gall.
I resign, not because I think I have done anything wrong. I haven't done anything illegal. My plan was uncovered before I could act on it. If the prosecutor had only waited until I had indeed sold the senate seat to the highest bidder, and chaos was the rule of law, then this letter would probably have a different tone. But alas, he did not wait for such events to unfold. I resign because absolutely no one in politics who is honest and decent will ever be able to trust me or my judgement or take me seriously in any way. I resign because I made an ass of myself and a mockery of our government's procedures in appointing important officials. I resign because I not only sought, but believed it was my inalieable right to receive, monetary gain for the empty senate seat of my home state. I resign because if I don't, I will undoubtedly be impeached. But most importantly, I resign because there's more money in that aforementioned book deal for me now than there will ever be in politics. And by the way, I haven't signed any contracts yet, so all offers will be considered.
It has been an honor serving the citizens of Illinois. I am only sorry I couldn't eek out a little more cash before my plan was exposed. Do not worry about me, citizens. Between my inevitable book deal and my Just For Men endorsements, that defense fund is in the pocket.
Respectfully, (well, not really, but I'm supposed to say that),
Rod Blagojevich